I’m Not Ready

dark angel

The Dark Angel hovers near

and senses my longing

my need for release

from unending heartache

 and my mundane existence

She speaks to me

in fragrant whispers

attempting to draw me closer

with promises

of easing my suffering

the lure of ending my pain

and how easy it would be

to just let go

and finally be free

I listen to the sound

of my breathing

Watching my chest rising

and falling

So simple

Involuntary

Effortless

Necessary

In one second

So easily taken away

but something is holding me back

a gravitational pull

I cannot go yet

I am not yet finished

I still have things to do

and somehow I feel

that I am still needed here

maybe even wanted

I am older

much older

than those I love

My end looms closer than theirs

and I fear for them

once I take that step

into forever

but no

not yet

I’m not ready

You can’t have me

yet…

http://youtu.be/NGTyKh_EqIc

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My Rant part 2

Love

It shouldn’t have to be questioned

Just accepted

When you find that someone

your true love

Everything should fall into place

Even if it doesnt

Everyone SHOULD understand

I did NOT go out there

specifically looking

for someone so young

or so far away

I’m not into self-torture

but it just happened

His soul spoke to me

I can’t explain it

but it’s beautiful

Your BIG problem

is the age difference

He’s legal

Shouldn’t that be enough for you?

But no

You just can’t let it go

You act like I’m stupid

completely irresponsible

Like I have NO idea what could happen

If he’s not what he says he is

that I have no business

making promises to someone

I’ll never see

You don’t know that

How could you

and I’m no idiot

I watch the news

Cop shows

Law & Order

I know

I see that shit all the time

so don’t patronize me

or treat me like I’m crazy

I’m fully aware of the consequences

and yet you just can’t leave it be

You can’t trust me?

I trust him

I don’t doubt who he is

or what he is

or how he feels about me

You should just be happy for me

and stop lecturing me

I’m not a child

So don’t treat me like one

My Rant part 1

Life. Fucking. Sucks.

We’ve all said it at different times. We’ve all experienced our own trials & tribulations…some expressed & some that we’ll take to our graves.

At the moment, I have a few good things going for me. Good friends, a job, my son who is the best thing…I also have love, unlike any I’ve ever known. I’m a middle-aged woman in the middle of a divorce who’s found true love for the first time in her life…and I should be happy right? No…because the love I want has been shoved so far out of my reach it makes each day of my meaningless existence even harder to bear. It’s like living in Hell. I know I’m not alone…I know he suffers too…and there’s nothing either of us can do about it. I get moody & depressed…pour out my feelings here. Sometimes I feel like I sound like a broken record…it’s all the same. No one wants to hear my pathetic whining over & over again. But I can’t help it.

It’s the only release I have.

I haven’t been online as much as I used to…some of you may have noticed, or maybe not. The drama lately has forced me into a hole…I don’t like it, don’t want it or need it…and it is mostly petty, trivial. Lost a good friend because of it…a lot of us did. And I was furious. Because of one person’s dissention. It’s just not as much fun as it used to be…and I’m tired. Old & tired. Not many people I talk to on a regular basis anymore…the ones I do know who they are and I appreciate it more than I can say. You’ve helped me through so much.  But I miss my happy family…and I’m not sure if it will ever be the same.

My Wish

Heart-Wish-475x476

So many nights

I cry myself to sleep

Feel the aching in my chest

Because you’re not here

I can only imagine

and dream of how it will be

Thousands of miles

have forced us apart

but my love has never faded

It grows stronger

The agony of separation

is never-ending

I lie awake at night

longing to feel you beside me

Imagining I can see your face

on the pillow next to me

Holding you tight

as I drift off to sleep

and seeing your smile

when I wake

Spending all our days

Together

Hand in hand

Forever

But for now

it is only a dream

A fantasy

A wish in my heart

 and as the tears roll down my cheek

Reality

seems so far away

Lifeless

stagnant

I am unchanging

Motionless

Stagnant

An algae-covered pool

Lifeless

Lying dormant

Waiting

For something special

But will it come

Days pass by

Nothing

Time stands still

Feelings

Bottled up

Need released

It’s torture

Never knowing

When or if

I’m barely existing

Going through the motions

Feels as if

I’m going nowhere

Fading away

Soon

I’ll be nothing

But a shell

A shadow

Slowly disappearing

Into nothingness

With your name

Forever on my lips

shadow

Phantom

lurking

He stalks

Always watching

From the shadows

Stealthy

You’d never know

he was right behind you

lurking

His hot breath on your neck

You turn around

quickly

& see nothing

Still

You feel his presence

Hear him

humming

Something brushes against your hair

You feel his fingers

at your neck

Reaching back

grasping at air

is he a phantom?

Turning

twisting

You feel you can’t breathe

but see nothing

you’re alone

Frantic

Pulse racing

Your feet get tangled

Tripping

Falling

You find the ground

and something else

Sharp

Biting

Your hands bleed

from the barbs

It’s all around you

like a bed of nails

and there

A shadow

looming

moving closer

You finally see

your end

and it’s whistling

TOK 6

“This is based on Matt Farnsworth’s character The Orphan Killer” All rights reserved”

Disillusioned

best friends

When did everything change

so drastically?

We used to be the best of friends

Always together

Talking

Laughing

Sharing secrets

Now we’re practically strangers

You rarely talk to me anymore

a few words here & there

So many new people in your life

You’re popular

No time for me

I watch from the sidelines

Jealous

it gets boring

Seems no one else cares

& I’m always alone

I feel lost

Sometimes

I just wish

I could see myself

through your eyes

Would I like what I see?

Is this why you left?

You pretend

Want to pull me back in

Say how much better

It will be

Pretty words

& promises

of things to come

But do I trust you

It could all be lies

to make you look important

I couldn’t handle the hurt

again

alone