it matters not
the lines
the screaming
the pain
it’s everywhere
why?
no one cares
somewhere
maybe they do
breezes on the beach
wind in your hair
why can’t it be?
I would die
a thousand times
just for this
once
my heart would be
so full
love
it’s all that matters
THE QUEEN OF HELL
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AND…
“Murder is murder no matter who commits it…or why.” – Casey Novak, Law & Order SVU
They told me I was crazy but I know I’m not.
When I saw him step outside that coffee shop I went cold.
I remembered every detail of his face.
It had been ingrained in my memory since the day he abducted me 5 years ago.
Nothing would make that nightmare go away.
And how could they have let him go free?
They said it was consensual, I didn’t fight back, I never protested.
But he had drugged me, restrained me, gagged me…how could I?
I still have no idea how long I was there.
They said it was just a few days but it felt like weeks.
He was always there…talking to me, touching me, kissing me…
and yes, raping me.
So many times.
The first time I felt like I was being ripped apart.
So much pain.
After a while I just went numb.
I’m pretty sure I blacked out a few times.
But he wouldn’t shut up.
The whole time, every time, he kept talking.
How he loved me.
How we’d be together forever.
I just didn’t know it yet.
How he’d always watched me.
Stalker.
I’d felt for a while I was being followed but…
I shrugged it off.
He had to show me how good he was for me.
This was his insane way of proving it?
I just had to get used to him and everything would be ok.
I never said a word even after he removed the gag though he screamed at me…
beat me harder for my silence.
I didn’t care.
I just wanted to die.
Next thing I knew I was in the hospital.
I don’t remember much for days after that, not even how I got there.
He had left the basement window open just to get some fresh air.
Someone says they heard me screaming.
They said I was almost dead when they found me.
Still he got off.
Someone forgot to sign something somewhere in the proper spot and he was released on a technicality.
I remember screaming at him in court.
He looked at me with no expression, no emotion.
Said I enjoyed it…
and that he still loved me.
That eventually I would come to understand.
I never felt safe after that.
I tried moving, even changed my name.
But he was everywhere, I saw him in everyone.
I could hardly even leave my apartment.
5 years of torture and he was still free.
Seeing him after so long brought it all back.
My knees started to buckle…
I almost passed out but managed to grab onto a corner bench next to me and sat down.
He was on his phone, didn’t see me, but I somehow came to my senses.
I followed him all the way home.
They didn’t find us for 5 days.
Seems as his boss complained that he’d missed work.
He didn’t see me sneak up behind him.
When he opened the door I shoved him inside and he fell.
There was a lamp right inside on a table and I picked it up…
knocked him out with it.
I left fingerprints everywhere.
He woke up after I’d dragged him onto the bed and tied him up.
On his back.
He tried screaming through the duct tape I found but I couldn’t understand.
Didn’t want to…
didn’t care.
I needed something…long & hard.
Sodomy with a coke bottle is apparently not a thing he enjoys.
I wanted him to suffer as much as I had all those years ago.
Over and over again.
I screamed at him, beat him with his belt until he bled.
Found a baseball bat in his closet and smashed his knees.
Started beating his head with it.
That’s when he passed out for good.
Even then I couldn’t stop myself.
I started crying.
His head was nothing by then but a mangled, pulpy mess…
so much blood
Everything I did to him made me remember even more vividly what he did to me.
Still…I didn’t care.
And I didn’t stop.
Not til the cops dragged me away.
They couldn’t help me, couldn’t protect me or anyone else from him.
What if he’d done it to someone else?
They had no proof of that but it’s always possible.
I confessed.
Never went to trial.
I laughed during the whole process.
I was just glad he was dead.
They told me I was crazy.
No…I’m not.
THE QUEEN OF HELL
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AND…
Do you see this knife in my hand?
Yeah, I can see that you do ’cause your eyes are bulging out of their sockets.
You really need to stop squirming…well actually you don’t because the more you squirm the tighter the ropes get & the more it cuts off your circulation that causes you more pain which is really all I want.
I want you to feel as much pain as you’ve caused me because I can’t stop thinking about you.
It’s been absolute torture no matter what I do.
I’ve tried cutting you out of my life.
I’ve tried ignoring you.
I’ve tried everything I can to get you out of my head but you keep popping up all over. Every time I turn around there you are so maybe this is the only way.
Maybe if I gouge out your eyes with this knife I won’t be able to see you in my dreams. Maybe.
And maybe if I cut out your tongue I won’t be able to hear your voice in my head anymore.
Maybe…maybe not…but I guess I should give it a shot.
Who knows, it might work.
you made me feel like I was special
like I was somebody
I was finally part of the in crowd
and people were actually jealous
jealous of me
because I was worthy of your attention
after being so broken
so many times
I was happy
happier than I’ve been in ages
so what happened
why did it sour so quickly
what did I do that was so wrong
to make you leave without a trace
abandoned
alone again
a year later the pain is still there
I doubt it will ever go away
sometimes it does for a while
I can take a deep breath
and remember what happiness was
but then there are nights like tonight
when all I want to do
is either feel sorry for myself
cry myself to sleep
or let the anger take over
and stab you in the face
well…
I write about shit like that
I would never actually act it out
but sometimes thinking about it helps
my self-confidence has not recovered
and I can’t forgive you
not yet
maybe someday
but I doubt it’s going to be anytime soon
it’s been an extremely rough year for me
in more ways than one
but I hope you’re happy
I don’t expect a response to this
in the end…
I just needed to tell you how I feel
how I still feel after all this time
The Queen of Hell
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I’ve spent a lifetime
it seems
of Waiting for you
so much time
Waiting
for you to notice me
to tell me you care
for that next message
the next hug
your smile
that sparkle
twinkle
in your baby blues
the next I love you
hours
days
Waiting
for the tears
that deep empty ache
in my chest
to end
my broken heart
to mend
weeks
months
of just wishing
you would disappear
the memories would
simply stop
so I could breathe
again
without the pain
of knowing
finally realizing
that you’re
no longer Waiting
for me
The Queen of Hell
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it’s all too much
I can’t seem to make heads or tails of it
why does everything have to be so final?
there are just too many raw emotions going through me right now
nothing makes sense
my head hurts from all the tears
and I’m hungry
I haven’t eaten anything today
I can’t sleep either
I’ve tried
I’m so exhausted
my body feels as if it’s worn to a frazzle
but the Sandman has disappeared
he’s such a bastard
never around when you need him
the wind seems to be blowing relentlessly outside
the song from my windchimes is a strange comfort
I wonder if she’s stopping by to say hello?
and now it seems as if someone is knocking at my door
it is my darling Reaper
his cold embrace offering little comfort
as my keening continues
The Queen of Hell
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I sat there quietly listening to him screaming from the other room.
He’d been wailing off and on for hours but I was tired and didn’t want to deal with him at the moment.
I sat up as the sounds softened to a low sob and rose off the sofa, slowly walking into the bedroom and stared at him with no emotion whatsoever.
I felt dead inside. Seeing him there, tied to the bed, covered in blood, a pickaxe burried in his right knee…there was no pity or emotion. I bore many scars…some on top of each other from his years of relentless torment. He had killed everything in me therefore his suffering meant nothing to me at all. His eyes widened as he saw me and he began screaming again, calling me every foul name he could think of but it had no affect. I sighed as I picked up a large meat cleaver and as I raised it slowly over his right calf he began to cry. I looked at him as he quietly whispered “Please…please Katie”.
“Please? How many times did I say that to you and you never stopped?” and my eyes glazed over as the blade fell.
The Queen of Hell
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There are times I still cry when I think about you and how good things used to be.
And then I just want to slap myself for being such an idiot knowing there’s probably no way you even give me a second thought anymore.
Someday I’ll get over you.
Someday may never come.
The Queen Of Hell
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are you okay?
I really hope you are
because I’m not
not since you left
I thought you loved me
but now i realize
it was all a lie
nothing is the same
you won’t even talk to me
I keep trying
I still love you though
I still worry about you
I want you to be okay
and I want you to know
how sad I am
how often I cry
how physically painful it is
every day
to love someone
who threw you away
The Queen of Hell
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watch the bloody sequel to The Orphan Killer…TOK2 BoundXBlood now on Vimeo
for two years I was your puppet
always there when you needed me
I’d do anything for you
I stood up for you
supported you
always had your back
against all the haters
you inspired me
motivated me
showed me I could be so much more
than I realized
but now you’re gone
like a ghost
disappeared
vanished into thin air
without barely a word
for months
and it makes me wonder
if I ever really mattered to you
at all
but I still love you
I know I always will
and one of these days
you’ll regret saying goodbye
The Queen of Hell
pick up a copy of my new book on Amazon available in paperback and for Kindle
Words From The Underground 