In the end…

image

you made me feel like I was special
like I was somebody
I was finally part of the in crowd
and people were actually jealous
jealous of me
because I was worthy of your attention
after being so broken
so many times
I was happy
happier than I’ve been in ages
so what happened
why did it sour so quickly
what did I do that was so wrong
to make you leave without a trace
abandoned
alone again
a year later the pain is still there
I doubt it will ever go away
sometimes it does for a while
I can take a deep breath
and remember what happiness was
but then there are nights like tonight
when all I want to do
is either feel sorry for myself
cry myself to sleep
or let the anger take over
and stab you in the face
well…
I write about shit like that
I would never actually act it out
but sometimes thinking about it helps
my self-confidence has not recovered
and I can’t forgive you
not  yet
maybe someday
but I doubt it’s going to be anytime soon
it’s been an extremely rough year for me
in more ways than one
but I hope you’re happy
I don’t expect a response to this
in the end…
I just needed to tell you how I feel
how I still feel after all this time

queen of hell 4

The Queen of Hell

unrequited reapings

pick up a copy of my first book on Amazon available in paperback and for Kindle

http://www.amazon.com/Unrequited-Reapings-Carolyn-Graham/dp/151533645X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1441066765&sr=8-1&keywords=Unrequited+reapings

Obsession

Killer silhouette behind door with frosted glass

you don’t know how many times
I’ve watched you walk past that window
how many times I wish
you would come outside
and say hello
just smile at me
let me know it’s all ok
but every day it’s the same thing
you continue to ignore me
like you always do
its agonizing
completely frustrating
how can you not understand
my true feelings?
maybe tonight will be the night
maybe you’ll feel as much pain as I felt
when you broke my heart
when you rejected my advances
maybe
once the knife pierces your skin
your eyes glaze over
you’ll realize how much I really love you
I always have
and then you’ll be mine
Forever

queen of hell 4

The Queen of Hell

unrequited reapings

pick up a copy of my new book on Amazon available in paperback and for Kindle

http://www.amazon.com/Unrequited-Reapings-Carolyn-Graham/dp/151533645X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1441066765&sr=8-1&keywords=Unrequited+reapings

Waiting

image
I’ve spent a lifetime
it seems
of Waiting for you
so much time
Waiting
for you to notice me
to tell me you care
for that next message
the next hug
your smile
that sparkle
twinkle
in your baby blues
the next I love you
hours
days
Waiting
for the tears
that deep empty ache
in my chest
to end
my broken heart
to mend
weeks
months
of just wishing
you would disappear
the memories would
simply stop
so I could breathe
again
without the pain
of knowing
finally realizing
that you’re
no longer Waiting
for me

queen of hell 4

The Queen of Hell

unrequited reapings

pick up a copy of my new book on Amazon available in paperback and for Kindle

http://www.amazon.com/Unrequited-Reapings-Carolyn-Graham/dp/151533645X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1441066765&sr=8-1&keywords=Unrequited+reapings

 

Frazzled

reaper 108

it’s all too much
I can’t seem to make heads or tails of it
why does everything have to be so final?
there are just too many raw emotions going through me right now
nothing makes sense
my head hurts from all the tears
and I’m hungry
I haven’t eaten anything today
I can’t sleep either
I’ve tried
I’m so exhausted
my body feels as if it’s worn to a frazzle
but the Sandman has disappeared
he’s such a bastard
never around when you need him
the wind seems to be blowing relentlessly outside
the song from my windchimes is a strange comfort
I wonder if she’s stopping by to say hello?
and now it seems as if someone is knocking at my door
it is my darling Reaper
his cold embrace offering little comfort
as my keening continues

queen of hell 4

The Queen of Hell

 unrequited reapings

pick up a copy of my new book on Amazon available in paperback and for Kindle

http://www.amazon.com/Unrequited-Reapings-Carolyn-Graham/dp/151533645X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1441066765&sr=8-1&keywords=Unrequited+reapings

Deception

deception

there are pieces of my heart

still wedged between your fingers

when you clawed it out of my chest

I feel like such a fool

I fell for it all

your lies and deception

I hope it was worth it

I hope you can sleep at night

because no one will ever love you

the way I did

queen of hell 4

The Queen of Hell

 unrequited reapings

pick up a copy of my new book on Amazon available in paperback and for Kindle

http://www.amazon.com/Unrequited-Reapings-Carolyn-Graham/dp/151533645X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1441066765&sr=8-1&keywords=Unrequited+reapings

Forgotten

forgotten

all those little reminders

old messages

emails

pictures on my phone

now they’re gone

deleted

I don’t need anything

anymore

to remind me

that you forgot about me

queen of hell 4

The Queen of Hell

 unrequited reapings

pick up a copy of my new book on Amazon available in paperback and for Kindle

http://www.amazon.com/Unrequited-Reapings-Carolyn-Graham/dp/151533645X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1441066765&sr=8-1&keywords=Unrequited+reapings

Someday

someday

There are times I still cry when I think about you and how good things used to be.

And then I just want to slap myself for being such an idiot knowing there’s probably no way you even give me a second thought anymore.

Someday I’ll get over you.

Someday may never come.

Queen of Hell 3

The Queen Of Hell

 unrequited reapings

pick up a copy of my new book on Amazon available in paperback and for Kindle

http://www.amazon.com/Unrequited-Reapings-Carolyn-Graham/dp/151533645X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1441066765&sr=8-1&keywords=Unrequited+reapings

One Of These Days

for two years I was your puppet
always there when you needed me
I’d do anything for you
I stood up for you
supported you
always had your back
against all the haters
you inspired me
motivated me
showed me I could be so much more
than I realized
but now you’re gone
like a ghost
disappeared
vanished into thin air
without barely a word
for months
and it makes me wonder
if I ever really mattered to you
at all
but I still love you
I know I always will
and one of these days
you’ll regret saying goodbye

puppet

The Queen of Hell

queen of hell 4

pick up a copy of my new book on Amazon available in paperback and for Kindle

http://www.amazon.com/Unrequited-Reapings-Carolyn-Graham/dp/151533645X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1441066765&sr=8-1&keywords=Unrequited+reapings

unrequited reapings

Switch

switch 2

One too many times I have told that stupid bitch to leave me the fuck alone but she won’t listen. The repetetive whining & screaming all day, all night. I can barely get any sleep and I’m so tired.
Little does she know that I have bodies hidden in my basement, and if she knows what’s good for her she’ll shut up before she becomes an addition to my collection.

Finally, a little bit of silence.
But there seems to be no end to the insanity in this place. There’s no one to rely on anywhere, no one I can trust.
I’ve been bullied for so long, pretty much my entire life…all of my self-confidence stripped away and shattered on the floor.
People wonder why I steer clear of crowds, why I don’t go to parties or socialize even at work.
Because every time I meet someone new I’m afraid…afraid of putting myself out there once again and having my heart ripped to pieces. It’s happened over & over & over.
The abuse won’t stop…it’s a never-ending vicious cycle. Years of being told what to do…how, when and where.
By him and everyone else. It’s like I can’t fully let myself go and even attempt to have a normal life. Like I was ever “normal”.
They will all pay. Like the ones before.

My hands are starting to shake because she’s screaming at me again. I feel like I’m being pushed over the edge once more and it’s all her fault.
Stupid cunt.
Sometimes I don’t want to do it but I can’t stop it once it starts. When it sets firmly in my head that it’s going to happen there’s no way out. It’s like a switch going on, everything else just goes dark and it’s all I see…blood & bodies lying everywhere. Nothing else matters after that.
And there it is.

switch 1
That pop…I feel it every time and it’s like a giant rush of energy all at once. And it feels so good…like an orgasm. I start laughing as I quickly walk up to her and smash her face into the corner of the table. I hear the crack of her nose as it hits the heavily varnished wood and imagine it splintering parts of her skull into her brain. Maybe I should try to see if I can dig the pieces out but that would take too long and I can’t stay here. Damn, it was too quick. The force of the blow was enough to kill her. Physically I’m not that strong. Dealing with him for years…he never let me go anywhere. Just wanted me always around at his disposal for anything…he didn’t even care that I’d gotten soft around the edges though I was still attractive enough to warrant his attentions. He was the first to die…and he suffered gloriously for all those years of confinement. We lived in the middle of nowhere and only the slinking creatures that prowled around our dilapidated hovel heard his screams echoing through the night.
It was just one of those things that you hear about on TV sometimes…someone in great distress or urgency finds this inner strength they never knew they had. It was like that every time. It was like I became something inhuman and I reveled in it. I buried him in the basement…there were a few others there now and I’ll dig a fresh hole for her.

It really didn’t matter to her anymore. She didn’t care what anyone else thought about her at all. She was free and could finally do whatever the fuck she wanted.
She didn’t care if she got caught. She was just going to take as many of those bastards down before that happened.
It’s all about revenge, plain and simple. And she felt like she was just getting started.

It was dark…I had to get her back to the basement fast. I didn’t even know how to drive…no one ever taught me so I had to try & teach myself quickly once he was gone. She never taught me and he didn’t want me out of the house. She had assumed he’d ran off with some whore from town & said it wasn’t right for me to be out there by myself so she’d dragged me back to live with her until he came back. He would never come back and I’m not sure what was worse. She had abused me constantly as a child…I was always in the hospital and they even took me away once when I was 10 but she got me back after my brother died. I had gone to live with my aunt & uncle a few miles away and was finally happy, for a little while. But one night a few weeks later they found Mikey on the floor all bloody & bruised with her leaning over him screaming. He was only 4. She tried to claim he fell down the stairs but I didn’t believe her…not after what she had done to me. I hated her so much but they forced me to go back to her. They said it would lessen her grief after losing him. Her grief? What about my grief??? No one gave a shit about me. They never had. But they would now.

switch 3

The Queen of Hell

Queen of Hell 3

unrequited reapings

pick up a copy of my new book on Amazon available in paperback and for Kindle

http://www.amazon.com/Unrequited-Reapings-Carolyn-Graham/dp/151533645X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1441066765&sr=8-1&keywords=Unrequited+reapings